Leave It or Love It?

I’ll be the first to admit, marriage can be tough.  There are days when I love my husband but I have a hard time finding anything to like about him.  And I am sure that he feels the same way about me at times.  Marriage and family life isn’t perfect because people aren’t perfect.  There are days when you will be tempted to throw in the towel and call it quits.  So how do you decide whether you should leave your marriage or try to infuse love into it again? 

Some people suggest that divorce is okay because they have fallen out of love.  Lynn G. Robbins, “Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine – you can’t “fall out of love”, because love is something you decide.”  James E. Faust suggests a three-part set of questions you can use to determine if you should leave your marriage or love it.

Are you experiencing prolonged difficulties?

In most cases, it would be hard to give it too much time and effort.  We aren’t talking about a week or two, or even a month or two of problems.  It is important to remember that in time, most things will improve.  Most things in this world operate in cycles.  Think for a moment of economic cycles for example.  In an economic cycle, it would be unhealthy to experience only expansion and inflation.  As much as no one really likes them, recessions are important to the health of our economy because they help bring things into control.  In marriage, periods of difficulty or sorrow can help to emphasis periods of joy, peace, and contentment, which will eventually come again. 

Relationships are cyclical as well.  When we first get meet someone, we are on our best behavior because we want them to think the best of us.  Over time, we get comfortable with each other and start to relax into the relationship.  Eventually we start using shortcuts, which can lead to dissatisfaction and turmoil.  There is a repair attempt and the couple is on their best behavior again for a while. 

The trick is in recognizing that there will eventually be an upturn again.  Just like with the stock market, there is much to lose for someone who gets out too early instead of sticking with it.  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said, “Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.”  Don’t give up just because you can’t see the final shape of the marriage while you are in the process of adding the bricks.

Is the relationship redeemable?

In marriage, it is important that both parties need to do all that they can.  Even if your partner isn’t invested, you still need to do your best.  As we have discussed previously, man and wife aren’t the only parties to a marriage.  God is the third partner and when are having difficulties, He is the most important party.  L. Whitney Clayton shares, “Marriage is a gift from God to us; the quality of our marriage is a gift from us to Him.”  Even if your spouse isn’t trying to make things better at the moment, it is important to seek God’s will on the matter.  He can help you know how to focus your efforts so that they are most effective. 

Lynn G. Robbins said, “Thus we have seen that while a person may ‘fall in love’ with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.”  That decision has to be made every day, sometimes several times a day.  In my own life, there have been times when my husband was working harder at our marriage than I was, and times when the reverse is true as well.  It is such a blessing to be able to lean on his strength when I am weak, and to lend him my strength when he is faltering.  Marriage isn’t just for the good times; it is also for the hard times. 

Is staying in the marriage causing a destruction of human dignity?

This is the most important question, but it isn’t the only question.  We need to balance self-esteem with need for sacrifice, submission, and cooperation.  If one spouse is abusing the other, or if things have gotten to the point where neither party is showing the other anything but contempt, serious decisions need to be made.  Often this starts with repentance and forgiveness. 

It takes two people to fight.  Sometimes we are too close to the situation to be able to evaluate our actions objectively.  Working with a trusted confidant, counselor, or other professional can help us to recognize our blind spots.  You need to remember that at one point, you loved your spouse enough that you couldn’t imagine your life without them.  Isn’t it worth it to try to do everything you can to redeem it before you give up on it? 

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship.  That is the goal.”  Maybe it is appropriate to ask yourself if there is still even a spark of hope that you and your spouse can meet this goal together.  If so, divorce may not be the answer. 

Studies have shown that couples whom experience and weather adversity together come out more satisfied with their relationship in the end.  L. Whitney Clayton promised, “I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth.”  Even if you haven’t always considered your marriage to be a pearl of great price, it isn’t too late to start treating it like one.  In all that you do, prayerfully seek the Lord and be willing to accept whatever He would have you do.