Five Tips for A Happier Marriage

This year my husband and I will celebrate our 10^th wedding anniversary.  As I have been thinking about what I want to do to celebrate, I have been thinking about marriages and what makes them work.  Many of the relationships of my friends and acquaintances have already broken up or are in the beginning stages of divorce.  Maybe it is my age, or maybe it is the natural challenges of life, but I have to wonder if most relationships are doomed.  That is, I wondered about it until I ran across this quote by Spencer W. Kimball.  He said,

“While marriage is difficult, and discordant, and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.  This is within the reach of every couple, every person.”

 Certainly over 10 years of marriage, we have experienced difficulties, discord, and frustration. Some of the most difficult challenges in life are centered on the differences my husband and I bring to our marriage.  On the other hand, some of the most deep, meaningful, and joyful experiences in my life have come from my marriage as well.  Spenser W. Kimball has promised that the joy of marriage can be experienced by every couple.  So what things can I do to make sure my marriage continues on a positive path over the next ten years? 

Here are 5 ideas shared by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zusukha in an article titled, “Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage”.  Duncan and Zusukha define foundational processes as “actions couples take in relation to each other to help their marriage flourish.”  I don’t know about you, but flourishing sounds good to me!

Idea #1: Commit yourself.
In a world where we are surrounded by things competing for our attention, it can be easy for 

marriage to fall by the wayside.  

It can be easy to get caught up in living parallel lives if we aren’t careful.  However, just like a tree that needs light, food, and water to grow, marriages need love, care, and dedication every single day.  My husband and I have discovered that it is important to make time and space for each other every day.  Talking about our day, sharing our successes and our struggles, and expressing love and concern for each other are important.  Be committed to share the very best parts of yourself with your spouse.  Don’t use other people as a sounding board or confidant in place of your spouse. 

Idea #2:  Show respect for your spouse.

How we solve problems in marriage says a lot about the strength of a marriage.  Are you the type of spouse that just bulldozes over your husband or wife in an argument?  Do you trust your spouse

enough to tell them what you really want and need in life?  It is important that you show respect for your spouse by considering their wants and needs as well.  When disagreements occur, both spouses can remember that it is more important to be happy than it is to be right.  When you have a problem with something your spouse has said or done, approach them in a calm and direct way.  Chose a time and setting that will be comfortable for both.  Try to focus on solutions rather than complaints.  

Idea #3: Let your spouse be your best friend.

One way that we can do this is to help our spouse become our source of comfort when we are down. 

I watched my supervisor dealing with problem after problem one day at work.  As the day progressed, I watched her tension level rise.  At one point, she received a text message that one of her children was in trouble at school, which only added to her stress.  I’ll never forget watching her answer the phone on her desk and realize that her husband was on the other end of the line.  Her tone of voice didn’t change, but her whole countenance and body posture did.  There was an immediate relaxation throughout her whole body.  It was clear that she knew that together she and her husband could deal with anything.  Most people marry their best friend, but can you honestly say that this is still true for you?

So how do we do this?  One way that has been suggested by Dr. John Gottman is to build a “love map” of your marriage.  A love map is a collection of knowledge we have about our spouse.  It enables us to do nice and loving things for them when they are stressed.  For example, my husband very sweetly offers to bring me a glass of ice water as soon as I get home from work when he can tell I have had a stressful day.  Just accepting the ice water he hands me helps to lower my stress point before I even take a sip.  Your love map might include snippets of information like your spouse’s favorite treat, music, or scent.  It might be the way that you know they would prefer to go on a hike over seeing a movie, or which shirt they would pick.

One of the greatest compliments I have been paid this week was given to me by my younger brother.  He has made several comments about how well I know my husband and how we seem to be an extension of each other sometimes.  It always seems to amaze him when I can tell him which option my husband will choose, and exactly what he will say about it.  This can get me in trouble sometimes, because it means I also know which buttons to push in a fight.  But it also creates a deep sense of love and well-being for my husband because he knows I understand him in deep and important ways.

Idea #4: Listen to your spouse.

This can be a tough one.  Admitting that we don’t know everything and accepting advice get harder and harder as we age.  Marriage is meant to be a partnership though.  Bouncing ideas off of each other and asking for feedback can be a great way to get a better outcome than we could on our own.  My husband is brilliant at understanding people and finding simple solutions.  I tend to over-complicate things and to over-commit myself.  Over the years, I have had to learn how to listen to him when he tells me that he thinks I need to relax and slow down.  He knows how to care for me better than I do!

Another way this comes in is in not taking offense, even when it is intended.  I’ll admit it, there are times when we set out to hurt each other, maybe because we have been hurt ourselves.  But most of the time, that simply isn’t the case.  Marriage runs much more smoothly when I try to look at the meaning behind my husband’s words rather than the specific words he uses.  When I remember that he has my best interests in mind as well as the health and stability of our marriage, it can soften the blow a bit.  

Idea #5: Continue to woo your spouse

Do you take the time to remember why you fell in love every day?  One way that I try to do this is by
making a list of things that I love about my husband and sharing it with him.  I love it when he leaves me love notes, or sends me texts throughout the day.  One way he shows me he loves me is by picking songs that he likes and telling me why the lyrics have meaning to him.  He can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but I love listening to him singing “Good morning beautiful” to me in the morning because I know it means he is happy.

Date nights are important!  According to marriage researchers, we should spend at least five hours a week strengthening our marriage.  It makes sense.  I try to spend 25% of my discretionary time strengthening my work skills, learning new things, and making myself more marketable.  Why wouldn’t I want to do the same thing in my marriage?  The dates don’t have to be big, fancy, or expensive, but they do need to be frequent.  One habit my husband and I have is trying to dress up on our date nights, even if we are just staying in and having a night at home.  It signals to each other that the other person is important enough that we want to show them our best.  If you have a hard time coming up with ideas, create a date night jar.  You could even make a date night out of coming up with the ideas to go into it.

Marriage has its ups and downs.  As you try to follow these five simple ideas, I promise you will come closer to experiencing the exultant ecstasy that marriage at its finest has to offer.