Family Support Systems

Lately I have had a lot of opportunity to think about what I call my family support system.  It is made up of individuals, both friends and family, who provide support to my family and marriage.  The support offered takes many forms.  Recent examples include volunteering to fix my leaky sprinklers, an offer to drive a family member to their appointments, a comforting shoulder to cry on when life presents disappointments or challenges, and most importantly being a friend to my marriage instead of just my friend.  While there are many aspects of the family support system to discuss, I’d like to focus on three specific aspects here. 

 The Family National Guard – In an essay titled “Supporting Families Across Generations”, authors Richard B. Miller and Jeremy B. Yorgason coined the term, “family national guard.”  Simply put, this is a task force that can be deployed to assist the family as needed.  This support might take the form of financial, emotional, or physical support.  While it traditionally consists of grandparents, for some families such as mine, this also consists of aunts and uncles, parents, and siblings.  My family has been richly blessed in our opportunities to both give and receive service in the family.

For my parents who are now grandparents, I think they are secretly relieved when they can play with and love on their grandchildren for a period but still have a chance to send them home (and maybe take a nap).  It has offered them a great opportunity to be involved in their grandchildrens’ lives without usurping the role of parent.  Indeed, for some children, they tend to respond better to suggestion from a grandparent or other member of the extended family than their parents.  In working together to help children reach their full potential, parents and grandparents demonstrate that it takes a village to raise a child.

      A friend to the family/marriage – A few years ago, I was introduced to the concept of being a friend to the marriage by a trusted confidante of my husband’s.  This woman wisely suggested to me that if I wanted to strengthen our marriage, I needed to seek out friends that weren’t just content to be a friend to myself or my husband.  She encouraged us to seek out people who would be a friend to our marriage first. 

What does that mean?  Well, I have come to realize that it means someone who cares more about helping our marriage stay intact than in telling me that I am right or wrong.  It is someone who is willing to patiently listen to me when I discuss my frustrations, but helps me to remove the blinders from my eyes by talking about the good I am not seeing in the situation.  At times when I am wrong, that friend will gently point out the correct path and help me to do things that will increase familial harmony. 

One small example is that a friend of my marriage always points out to me the ways that she thinks my husband and I complement each other.  She is quick to say that she loves watching the two of us together because it is clear that we love each other deeply.  She made a point of telling me about a recent social situation in which I was leading a meeting and my husband was a participant.  She told me that during the entire meeting, even when I was not at the podium speaking, my husband was watching me with loving concern.  Later when I asked him about it, he told me that he knew I was nervous and was praying for my success throughout the meeting. 

Not only was I impressed that my friend had noticed, but I was also touched that she thought to share this tender experience with me.  She has taught me much about being a friend to other’s marriages and I strive to emulate her every day.  The support she offers me with her sincere belief that my marriage is strong and will continue to be strong helps me so much during moments of frustration.  

Extended support during aging – Ezra Taft Benson said, “We encourage families to give their elderly parents and grandparents the love, care, and attention they deserve.”  I have had the blessing of watching my family rally together to care for my grandparents, especially in the past few years.  For some of my family members, this has meant getting involved in direct, daily care.  I am so grateful that they have been willing to do so and that their life situations have been such that this is a possibility for them. 

What can you do if you are unable to participate in that daily care due to distance or circumstances?  J. Suitor and K. Pillemer have an answer for this published in the Journal of Gerontology. They said, “Ideally, siblings can provide encouragement and practical support to the family caregiver.  Indeed, social support, especially from siblings, can substantially reduce caregiver stress.”  I have seen the truth of this statement many times.  As extended family members offer to take over caregiver duties on the weekend, bring in meals, or even just make a phone call to help talk through decisions that need to be made.  In this service, the entire family is blessed.   

Family support systems can be a great source of service and love.  Take a moment to reflect.  Who is in your family support system?  What ways can you provide greater support to those within your circle of influence?  How can you begin to be a friend to marriage every day?